I’ve never had a girlfriend. Therefor, it may not make sense for me to draw this parallel. But I’ll go ahead and do it anyway. Being a diehard Browns fan trumps the stress, pain, sacrifice, joys, and heartache of the most topsy-turvy of human relationships. Imagine being in love, not just a teenage puppy crush but truly in love with the girl of your dreams. Now imagine that your dating this girl for as long as you can remember, and suddenly she dumps you and goes out with some smarmy prick rival of yours. That’s sort of what its like being a diehard Browns fan, only imagine feeling such agony on a regular basis.
Being a diehard Browns fan is one of, if not the biggest challenges I’ve had to deal with in my (not-so-difficult) life. Why am I as big a Browns fan as I am? What seperates the disinterested from the casual from dedicated from the diehard from the possessed, well that I couldn’t tell you. Perhaps we all have medichlorian counts that determine our passion for our given teams, and I was gifted/cursed with a surplus. What I do
know is theres something about the Browns fanbase that you can’t say about any old team. Before I explore my own past as a Browns fan, keep in mind that this is only a journey through a somewhat psychotic fans very recent experiences with a long running franchise. As much I’m about to piss and moan, I’ve really been through nothing compared to some. I’m only halfway tested as a Browns fan, but I think I’ve passed the midterm.
I’ve been a Browns fan for as long as I can remember. I don’t have very strong memories of the "Old Browns", but I was definitely a big fan even back then. I actually criedd when we cut Kosar (my Mom told me we traded him). Sadly I never got to experience the greatness of Cleveland Municipal Stadium. My most vidid memory came in December of 94, when the Browns were on the brink of a playoff birth. We were playing Dallas, and I knew they were damn good. I was out with my sister and her husband, driving around Cleveland, doing some Christmas shopping, etc. We got in the car and the game was on and to my surprise, the Browns were beating Dallas. I probably wasn’t aware of the playoff implications of this game but I really hated the Cowboys, so this game definitely meant something to me. When we got back to my sisters house we watched the end of the game, and to be honest I don’t even remember what happened. I just hid in the closet because I was too nervous to watch the end of the game. A few moments later I hear my brother in law Mike jumping around shouting "We won!". I went crazy that night, and it was my first real joy as a Browns fan (little did I know it would be 8 years before the Browns would make me that happy again).
One thing that makes me question my own aptittude as a Browns fan is my reaction, or lack thereof, to the Browns being moved to Baltimore. Now granted I was nowhere near as dedicated back then as I am now, yet I was still rather distraught by the Browns moving, it just didn’t seem like I was emotionally scared by it as I should have been. If it were to happen today I may need grief counselling. At no given point was I ever unsure if the Browns were to return with the same colors and history, but I know now that there was a point in which we were unsure of our fate. I’m very thankful that I slept through this time period.
Finally in 1999 the Browns returned. I, along with most other fans, was very tolerant of our losing ways the first two years. I was just happy that the Browns were back. In 2000, I was at the Steelers game week 3 where we ended up winning (controversially) because the Steelers were unable to get their field goal unit onto the field in time. I can still hear the fans chanting "who let the dawgs out", after that victory. That was the first Browns game I had ever attended, and what a game it was. I didn’t really experience my first heartbreak until 2001. After a 4-2 start, the Browns were heading into Soldier Field to play the 5-1 Bears. We were coming off a bye week so I spent 2 weeks getting incredibly hyped for this game. I went over to my sisters house to watch the game. Courtney Brown had I believe 3 sacks in that game, including one on the opening drive that lead to a fumble ran back for a TD. Somehow we managed to blow a 14 point lead with minutes left, with the help of prevent defense and a hail mary. Mike Browns ran back an interception for a TD against us in overtime just as he did a week prior against the 49ers. Mike and I both got pissed and threw something after this loss. I was devasted…I had never felt anything quite like this prior. This isn’t what made me lose respect for Butch Davis as a coach, but I feel this is the game that forever set the tone for his tenure in Cleveland. The 7-9 Browns overachieved in 01 but as far as I’m concerned this Bears loss did them in.
Then there was 02. I don’t care if live to be 101, I will NEVER forget this season. I spent the summer prior staying up all night, drinking tea and reading about the Browns upcoming season. Boy was I ever pumped. I predicted the Browns to finish 11-5 that year and lose in the AFC Championship to the Titans. I may have been right had Jamir Miller not torn his achilles in the first preseason game in Minnesota. When the season finally began, we gave away a game at home against the Chiefs when Dwayne Rudd threw his helmet in celebration after what he thought was a game winning sack, but it turned out not to be. This incited an unsportsman like conduct penalty, putting the Chiefs within range for a game winning field goal. This loss doesn’t bother me in retrospective, because even had we won that game we’d still have been the 6th playoff seed like we were anyway. But nonetheless, this set the tone for the entire season to come. Two weeks later, we were losing to the Titans on the road. I recall that Dennis Northcutt more or less single handedly led us to victory, with I believe a return TD and an onside kick recovery. Unfortunately my power had went out for that game so I had to listen to the end on my Dad’s car radio. A week later we were at Pittsburgh, a bout that I was even more excited for than the Bears game a year a prior. This was the game where I began to lose respect for Butch Davis as head coach. Despite the fact that we had no running game whatsoever (rookie William Green took the bulk of the carries behind a mediocre offensive line), old Butchy somehow got the idea to try and grind out the clock despite the fact that it was a single possesion game with about 8 minutes left to play. Thus I coined the term "prevent offense". Dawson missed a potential game winner in overtime, and when we blocked their kick on the ensuing drive, the Steelers got to re-kick since it was only 3rd down and the ball never passed the line of scrimmage. This loss haunts me to this day almost as much as the playoff loss to the same Steelers later that year. I was visibly upset that entire week at school.
Some other notable games from the 02 season included the Jets game, where we trailed by 15 but came back and won on a blocked field goal days after our owner Al Lerner died. This game is when my "meltdowns" of frustration started growing in severity. I was throwing a fit in my basement while were playing like shit in the first half, and left to go to some family gathering. I told my parents to turn it off during the car ride over there because I couldn’t handle listening to it. Once we arrived, my cousin PJ informed me that the score was tied, and the rest is history. Then there was the key Saints game that we won, but I had to stop watching at times because I couldn’t handle the stress. My friend Sam gave me updates via AIM while I tried relaxing by playing candystand billards. I was rapidly losing my ability to cope with the Browns. This would come back to haunt me later in the year, when we played the Panthers at home.
(Before I get into that, a bit of background. I had a horribly nasty cough over Thanksgiving in 02, and was prescribed some cough medicine with antihystemines. I’m not sure what those are but they appearantly make me go apeshit. I got in some fight with Joe that Friday night. Then Satu
rday we were decorating our Christmas tree when my neighbor Ricky aka "Duffman" came over with money for Joe, who had taken care of their cat while they were out of town. My Mom tried to deny Joe his rightful cash, which caused me to lose it. So I preceded to go down my basement and start screaming, pounding, and breaking stuff. I calmed down and reconciled with my Mom, but the next day was the Panthers game, and I wasn’t ready to tolerate a loss).
So the Browns end up losing to the pitifull Panthers. I don’t know what our record was at this point but I was convinced that we weren’t going to make the playoffs. So what do I do? You guessed it, throw the mother of all violent temper tantrums in my basement. This time my mother had had enough. She cancelled our family christmas party that year, which ment there would be no Air Hockey Tournament at my house for the first time in 7 years. For once a punishment hit home. The Browns were corrupting my life.
By the end of the 02 season, even before our playoff collapse to the Steelers, I remember wishing that I wasn’t a Browns fan. Now don’t misunderstand what I meant by this, I wasn’t wishing to switch my allegiances or even give up on the Browns. I just truly felt like it would be in my life’s best interests that I no longer follow Browns football. Of course its not possible for me to stop being a Browns fan, I bleed brown and orange. Basically I was young and untested, so I’m gonna go ahead and write off such thoughts as miserable growing pains.
The crazy do happenings of the 02 season didn’t stop after that Panthers loss, but they didn’t have as vivid an impact on me for a while since I had more or less given up. There was a hail mary victory over the Jaguars, a game winning drive at Baltimore, and a Colts loss where we failed to convert in the red zone at the end of the game. Then came the last game of the year, it was at home against Mike Vick and the Atlanta Falcons. Mike took me to the game with him. We went out to dinner prior and I refused to drink anything because I feared I might have to piss during the game and miss some of it. Not only was I fortunate enough that to be present for "Run William Run!", where William Green actually ran past the line of scrimmage for once and *gasp *…SCORED, (and it was a long run at that), but I also got to enjoy watching the Jets stomp the Packers while at Quaker Steak after the game, which due to some sacrifice we had made to the tie-breaking Gods meant the Browns would be going back to the playoffs. This turned out to be a royal curse in disguise.
It was a cold, snowy day at Heinz field. I of course was watching it at home but I could still feel the atmosphere of the game, the rivalry. Holcomb was starting at QB over Couch but this didn’t really concern me as Holcomb had performed well when he played against the Chiefs week 1. My confidence was proven to be valid as Holcomb lit it up that day for over 400 yards. The Browns led by as many as 17 at one point, but I never thought to myself the words "It’s over". I had learned my lesson, and sure enough Butch and his prevent offense/defense reared is ugly head again as we somehow managed to blow the lead I lose the game. I seriously get mild flashbacks of this game to this day. I still haven’t gotten over Anthony Henry dropping an interception that would’ve won us the game, or Northcutt dropping a pass that would’ve given us a first down and allowed us to run out the clock. My "freakout" after this game was nothing special, but don’t underestimate the negative effect that it had on me. I still carry the weight of this game around on my shoulders, and lord knows when I’ll be relieved of it. Time clearly isn’t the remedy, perhaps I will be able to let it go once the "new Browns" finally win a playoff game, or maybe I’m scared for life. All I can say is that if its that agonizing for me, I’m thankful that I’m too young to remember "The Drive" or "The Fumble".
At long last the 2002 season came to a merciful end, and I could breath again. We cut a lot of defense players in the offseason, so I wasn’t expecting as much in 03. Around this time there was a massive quarterback controversy brewing, between Tim Couch and Kelly Holcomb. I favored Holcomb, mainly because of his performance against the Steelers in the playoffs, but I didn’t quite feel as strongly about the matter as some did. Anyways, the Butch Davis press conference came on and Holcomb was named our starting quarterback, so I felt a little bit better about the upcoming year. The defensive overturn quickly came back to haunt Cleveland, when Jamal Lewis set the NFL single game rushing record against us in the second week of the year. The worst part was that he actually CALLED his shot, and made some reference to how he was looking to set the record before the game started. Where the hell was that comment at on Butchy’s bulletin board? Easily the highlight of 03 for me was the 33-13 Sunday night win over Pittsburgh. This was Butch’s one and only win over Pittsburgh. The rest of the year was pretty non-descript, mostly consisting of the Browns getting their asses kicked. Couch and Holcomb both proved that the entire "controversy" was a joke that season, and that we might as well have been playing Josh Booty at QB. In 04, it looked as if we were about to remedy this ailment.
Jeff Garcia. A 3 time pro bowler. Yes, signed to the Browns. Now nobody in their right mind expected a 4th appearance from him during his stint in Cleveland, but for once it looked as if we had a solid quarterback. I wish I could find the Plain Dealer that I saved from the day we signed him, where on the front page of the sports was a picture of him making an incredibly queer looking face and hand gesture. My friend Snakes still does imitations of that photo. This was also the first year that I got really interested in the NFL draft. I got written up at work for watching us stupidly trade a second round pick to move up one spot and draft Kellen Winslow Jr when I was supposed to be in the kitchen. Everything was peachy week 1, as me and Sam attended the game in the Dawg Pound and went insane as we beat the Ravens 20-3. Even though this meant nothing in the long run, its still one of my top 5 favorite Cleveland sports moments.
Everything deteriorated in week 2, however. We were at Dallas, and I was watching the game with a bunch of friends at Jon’s house. I was so incredibly pissed, not only at the Browns somewhat lacking performance but by the jocular way people reacted to it (asterisk: I’ve grown up a bit and wouldn’t be as bothered by such a thing today). Everyone was joking around like it was a freaking country club and what not while the Browns were struggling. I was told that I could say whatever I wanted in this household, but still Arbaugh told me to watch myself after I made crude sexual references in the presence of Jon’s Mom. I was fuming, I could barely tolerate this environment. At halftime we went outside to throw around the football, and I started yelling epiphets around little kids, which led to me getting tossed onto the ground by Jon. I wasn’t bothered by this unnecessary act of machismo, but rather by the fact that him or anyone could actually give two shits about my language during something as catastrophic as the Browns losing. I eventually paid Sam $20 to drive me home, I just couldn’t take anymore. This was the first time I cried over the Browns since we cut Kosar. The Browns lost a multitude of players that to injury that game, including Courtney Brown (for the eighty-eleventh time) and worst of all, Kellen Winslow Jr. was done for the year.
The next week I slept through a loss to Giants, something I’m ashamed of doing. I mean how can I call myself a diehard Browns fan if I sleep through games when something goes wrong? I did it again later in the year when we lost to Cincinatti 58-48, but haven’t done it since. Everybody makes mistakes I suppose. A week after the Giants loss I again went with Sam to watch the game in the Dawg Pound. We were playing the Redskins, which had me fired up as I really despised Joe Gibbs at the time. We were pretty drunk for this game, definitely moreso than we were for the Ravens game. I kept telling Sam that I had to pee, but I really didn’t want to get up. So what do I do? I piss my pants. Later we had some drunk dudes around us buy us beer so I eventually had to piss again. This time I the bright idea of sticking a towel in my pants in an attempt to absorb the urine. Didn’t really work, but the towel definitely was soaked, as everyone around soon found out. The Browns did something good, who knows what, and in sheer excitement I began flailing it around, showering everyone in my vicinity. For some reason the guys behind us had brought a wet tampon, which I wanted to throw at a Redskin fan but I pussied out in fear that I might miss and hit a Browns fan. The game itself was pretty sloppy and meaningless, but we had still had a great time as the Browns ended up winning.
There were three other devasting losses I recall from that season. The first of which was the game against the then undefeated Eagles, which was somewhat hyped because if was the first meeting between Terrel Owens and Jeff Garcia. I attended the game with Kerver this time, and I lost some respect for him as a Browns fan that day when he gave me heat for cheering the injury of an Eagle. Some douchebag Eagles fans around us said something about how Eagles fans were classy enough that they would never cheer an injury. They also proved to be gay enough to sing their stupid "Fly Eagles Fly" poem after every score. After we lost that game in overtime I took my tin of apple skoal and chucked it into the seats below. Kerver says I barely said a word the whole way home. Things didn’t get any easier the following week.
It was Sunday night, and we were at Baltimore. The same Baltimore team we defeated 20-3 in week 1. But we were a much deteriorated team, and Baltimore had gotten their acts together by now. The game was really close, and I tried to take a shower as quickly as possible before my Mom went to sleep. What I ended up missing was the most innopportune <10>
The last game worth talking about from that season was who other than the Steelers. Kerver and I payed around 150 bones to sit in the lower dawg pound for this game, and proceded to get absolutely wasted before it. Kerver literally blacked out the entire game, but somehow managed to drive us home in one piece. The funniest moment was when he started yacking and I had to grab him by the shirt and haul him out of the seeting area momentarily. Those were the days. Oh by the way, the Browns lost 24-10.
Moving onto 2005 now. Jeff Garcia was let go because 1) his west coast style of play wasn’t consistent with our offensive scheme, 2) for making some controversial comments and 3) for kind of sucking wind all year. The main reason I was looking forward to 2005 certainly wasn’t because Trent Dilfer was gonna be our QB, but rather because we had fired Butch finally and began a new regime. I liked Romeo Crennel as our new coach, and had faith in Savage’s ability to draft players who a) don’t suck and b) didn’t necessarily attend Miami. Unfortunately, things didn’t – and still haven’t, improved. The only game worth mentioning from that year was the 41-0 loss to the Steelers on Christmas Eve. Completely ruined my holiday for me, and for my family as well due to the way I behaved afterward. Right before this loss however, Braylon Edwards was lost for the season. At the time it was suspected that he would miss portions of the 06 season as well (thankfully this turned out not to be the case). I started looking at the Browns from a philosophical standpoint, like what it means to be a Browns fan, what makes us strong, how happiness doesn’t exist without pain, etc. Then I just broke down and bawled over the loss of Braylon. This weeping episode proved pointless since he’s perfectly fine today, but its worth reminiscing about.
This brings us to the 2006 season, which has yet to be concluded. In the offseason, the Browns made a slew of impressive free agent signings, highlighted by that acquisition of LeCharles Bentley, a probowl center who played for the Saints. The curse of Chris Speilman continued, however, as Bentley tore his petella tendon the second day of training camp. I had another Braylon Edwards esque emotional breakdown. The only way I was really able to cope was that Braylon resumed practice shortly after Bentley’s injury. At first I suspected this was a PR maneuver to make the fans feel better, but Braylon proved to be ready to play by week 1.
I went to get a brownie elf tattoo right before this season started, and half jokingly stated that it would be good luck for the Browns from here on out. Not so - this season has been quite ugly thus far, as its been long proven that Charlie Frye is not the answer at quarterback (in fact he’s worse than all the other stiff QB’s that we’ve thrown to the wolves since our return).
Surprisingly, the only thing I’ve broken out of rage thus far is my Mom’s CD player. Maybe it’s the medication I’m taking, who knows. What I do know is that I am, and will always be a Browns fan. And despite all that I have been through, I am thankfull for that fact.
